Monday, January 09, 2006

I wish penance worked.

I find myself finally wanting to trust God with a part of my life (in this case, “the future” - but this cycle happens in other areas too often). But it feels like it’s too late to trust because now I blatantly need Him. It’s as if I can’t force myself to rely on God until I have to. It doesn’t feel like faith with it’s the only option.

With penance, it feels like I could earn-back my lack of faith before the obvious point-of-need.

Why is it so hard for me to trust before I feel the weight of my need? Especially when I can already see it coming.

[and why do I have such an "economic" relationship with God?!?]

1 comment:

AvianaBleu said...

Speaking as one who does much the same thing on a too-regular basis, I can only offer this... I believe that the wanting outweighs the timing of our reliance. If we say that we rely on God, but it is only lip service, it has less meaning (in my mind anyway) than if we mean it wholeheartedly, no matter that it might be also when we feel that we have little other choice. Because even then, we have choice. You are choosing to trust God, which is what he wants. You choosing Him, wanting Him. Just as he chooses and wants you. And needs you.

Consider this - He bought and paid for you with blood. No amount of money can get us into His good graces (no matter what some might say), and we can never repay the debt we owe. Everything we are taught centers around the economics of our relationship with Him. Faith is the one thing that has no price on it, but is truly priceless. Especially when it is given in the spirit that He hopes we will act in - wanting to trust Him...

(I haven't forgotten that I owe you a response, I hope to follow through with that tomorrow (Thurs. or Fri.)