Tuesday, January 31, 2006


I came to the epiphany last night that there is no good job for me. I am unhirable, to a certain extent. Inside of me is the desire to work 8-5 and just go home, be a dad and a husband. Yet I want a job where I can pour my life into my work ('cause I will anyway).

I do believe this is a greater cause of my depressions. I am incapable of co-existing with myself.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Amazing quote on money

This comes from Dr. Gordon Fee of Regent College in a lecture series he did with Bruce Waltke on Biblical Theology (thank you to Brad Holaway for exposing me to this series). The quote is not exactly exact, but it's plenty close enough...

"I think 'tithing' is a bad practice. It's a bad practice to have and it's a bad practice to preach. The problem with tithing is that it eventually stands itself against generosity, and this is, oh, so much better!"

Security: another double-edged sword

What do I mean when I say something is "secure." I supposed I could mean it is tucked away, safe from harm ("my valuables are 'secure'"). Or it could mean that it is not going to move so I can use it ("this bolt is 'secure,' I can now connect my life-line to it without fear").

Free form loss or Reliable.

One means I can ignore "it" the other means I expand on/from it.

So if my relationship with God (or Tara or _____) is "secure"... which one do I mean?

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

my take on Jason on Worship together

Having had a most delightful conversation with Jason Fischer today, I am wrestling with these new phrases, “Worship Leader” and “Lead Worshiper” (thank you Jason!)

What do you prefer (personally, philosophically, whatever...):

1) Worship Leader: someone who leads a community/congregation in worship
     - more than just song selection; uses songs, words, other “things” to lead people in their worshiping together - lead unto a certain idea or certain frame of mind, unto a particular expression or action, etc.

2) Lead Worshiper: someone who usually prepares the order of the community’s/congregation’s worship, usually starts the songs, is usually visible to all, and who then worships intently
     - this person usually sets-up the time of community worship and then enters it him/herself

Monday, January 23, 2006

With which eyeball do you look at me?

I am noticing two ways that people see “people” --
1) looking for similarities in all people (perhaps a control activity)
2) looking for differences (almost seeing people as “art”)

Monday, January 16, 2006

I wish penance worked, part II

[Thank you, B., for your response.  I want to believe that faith, at any time is what pleases God.  But then my economic “version” of my relating to God kicks in . . . great for guilt, bad for long-term relationships.]

I am happy to report that God doesn’t seem to care as much about my “timing” and “economic-based-faith” as I do.

We have decided (not independently!) to ask God to provide us money to live on so that we may live out what we and others sense is God’s next-step for us.  My/our desire is that people would ONLY choose to support us financially IF and Only IF God so moved them.

My “act of faith” was supposed to be praying hard for this before we actually entered this season of life.  I tried weakly to do so.  But no that this is upon us, I pray more.  Way more!  And feel very guilty that I am now praying; in the midst of the experiencing my need, I finally fall to my knees.

But God has been gracious.   Not just that people are being moved by the Spirit to support us, but they way they are supporting us . . . beyond gracious.  So far beyond gracious, that it has all the color and character of God Himself.  Ridiculous Grace.

And I didn’t do my part previous to this.  Hmph.  Amazing that I can feel overwhelming kindness from God while feeling guilt towards God.

Monday, January 09, 2006

I wish penance worked.

I find myself finally wanting to trust God with a part of my life (in this case, “the future” - but this cycle happens in other areas too often). But it feels like it’s too late to trust because now I blatantly need Him. It’s as if I can’t force myself to rely on God until I have to. It doesn’t feel like faith with it’s the only option.

With penance, it feels like I could earn-back my lack of faith before the obvious point-of-need.

Why is it so hard for me to trust before I feel the weight of my need? Especially when I can already see it coming.

[and why do I have such an "economic" relationship with God?!?]