Thursday, April 03, 2008

I surrender all

In my journey towards emotional health (or simply having emotions), I hit a wall this morning called "Surrender." I realized that I have spent most of my life assuming that I surrender that which is good, desired, or powerful: my future, my will, my gifts, my family, etc. I have wrestled with God about His Church, my future, and other really good things.

But what about my pain? I have wrestled with surrendering my "loss" that comes from not getting the full expression of my vision for the Church (yikes). I have tried to surrender to the "loss" of not fully expressing all of who I am (self-actualization). But I don't think I've really surrendered those losses that actually take-away from what I have or am. I haven't surrendered "the bad."

As I have written previously, I am finding out a lot in regards to being let-down by God. So now I am realizing that I might come to God for help with my pain, but I won't surrender holding onto my pain. Offenses from the past, wounds from 15 years ago, etc. I hold onto them as if they keep me "humble" or "real" or ...

Somehow, pain never seemed to be something to surrender. As if pain is a good thing to have so I just keep holding it, keep it safe. I can be "healed" and able to move on, but I never thought to surrender the pain, the bad. I don't think I'm espousing denial. I think this would be closer to forgiveness, continually forgiving because the pain is continually aroused.

Surrendering the bad. Weird.

Thanks again, Pat, for having gravity in the emotional realm and thereby altering my spin!

1 comment:

Brent said...


This is Brent from Trinity Chapel and I have to say that I love reading through your blog. Granted, your mind works in ways that I can not begin to comprehend but I love the fact that you question everything and ask why. Great thoughts and I just wanted to say "keep going" because you are on one crazy path, but a path that God is definitely using. Thats all I got.