Thursday, April 06, 2006

Too easy

I found myself feeling like a character in the Old Testament.  I follow a set of ideas, even rules, that I enjoy following.  I think they are great ideas.  I don’t like the effort always, but I like following something Good.  But I am afraid I have put my head down and am just following the trajectory of these rule/ideas -- like drawing a line through them will point me down the straight-and-narrow.

Then a wonderful person at Shiloh the other day did one of those, “Oh, you’re not perfect!” statements.  It was NOT a sarcastic jab nor was it a call for me to accept my imperfection.  It was more, “Another example of you’re not only choosing good things, but you’re humble about it also -- another good choice!!”  If this person could see my insides . . .

My heart has wandered out of the color of a love-relationship and into beige.  See the first chapter of Isaiah here.

So I am left with this nag: I choose God, I choose to pursue His requests (that implies not doing it perfectly but trying to), but my heart grows cold and beige.  Is this the normal ebb-and-flow of a relationship?  It doesn’t feel this extreme with Tara, so why with God?  Is it because she’s newer?

Then my perfectionism kicks in with, “You probably shouldn’t do or say anything until you are back in color - you might do something foolish!!”

[Please, God, remove my ability to communicate such things to my children!!]

No comments: