Worship #2

So I'm talking with my brother about some of this and the ramifications of it in the U.S. In particular, our dire need to never NEED anyone. Anti-trust laws, "free market" economy, consumerism, etc. have fed the following paradigm: don't need, but if I do, then I need to diversify so I don't need just ONE source.

When I diversify, I no longer know what it is that I'm exactly trusting/idolizing. "Money" is a common topic, as it should be in the U.S. Do I trust my 'having an income,' or 'money in the bank,' or 'retirement accounts?' I honestly don't know at this point. Or do I need to have all three so that if one fails, I can still "feel" secure because I have one or two other idols to fall back on? If I lost my income, would I be "okay" because I had some retirement accounts and some money in the bank? If The stock market closed forever and I lost my retirement, would I feel okay because I have a job and some savings? What if I lost two of them, would I feel the fear? Or do I have to loose my whole, diverse web financial support?

Here's what I am afraid I do. Because I can loose one of the three, then I convince myself that I am not trusting in money but I AM trusting in God to provide. But is that really true? Am I still trusting my "web" of finances, even when one falls off?

Do I trust that my public abilities will give me significance? When I lost one or two, I felt okay. But is that because I have others? Or am I really, actually trusting God for my significance? If I only had one thing I did that made me feel significant, and I lost it, THEN I could know that if I am trusting God or myself.

My webs, my diversity of emotional and trust investments, are making it hard for me to see if I am trusting in God Himself or money (or people or ________). Ugh.